A-MEN!!
In this upcoming book we chronicle the origin story and forthcoming adventures of a new super-villain group called the A-MEN, a group whose ultimate goal is to bring about the "end times" by lying, cheating, stealing and making a buck off of the rubes in any way possible! They take on any opposing groups and individuals that believe in truth, justice, science, morals and facts until the entire planet is under their control and have to live by the A-MEN's code thereby creating a homogenious society based on one "true" God/money/power, where science and facts are considered evil, and where free-thinking and creativity is abolished.
The members of the A-MEN consist of:
CONALD DUMPSTER who was born into a rich, ruthless and racist family. He grew up protected and empowered by his family's wealth and the older he got the more he used this money as a way to take advantage, bully and hurt others, especially women, immigrants and the poor. Despite his many, many failings and bad business decisions, Mr. Dumpster inherited so much money that it didn't matter how many times he had to declare bankruptcy, and enabled him to conjure up all sorts of crazy scams and lies about how he was a genius investor worth billions! He even had a T.V. show entitled "The Boss of Bosses" (not sure i'm crazy about the title. maybe something that rhymes with Apprentice or sounds like it?) to help promote his delusions about being a highly successful businessman. Despite and because he lived such an evil and duplicitous life, he was able to use his purported wealth and influence as a T.V. star to trick people into supporting him.
CONALD boarded a flight to Florida to golf on one of his courses, to oversee the furthur destruction of a nearby beautiful swamp which he was using to illegally dispose of toxic waste, and most importantly to entice people to join his fake University, buy his new line of rancid steaks and help to finance and build a wall along the coast of Florida to keep sea turtles and boats carrying immigrants out.
On the flight the Conald was jumping up and down and crying and yelling at the porn star who accompanied him (his pregnant wife being left behind in NYC), because there were no private jets available for him. Just as he was about to grab a stewardess, a lighting bolt hit the plane, the pilot lost control and it plummeted into the toxic swamp. Later, emerging from the toxic watery wreckage was a giant Cheetoh-like monster with crazy hair and incredibly small hands. After surviving this crash, the Giant Cheetoh's ego grew immensely larger, giving him even more rediculous delusions of grandeur and leading Conald to believe that the he and other's who emerged from the wreakage were chosen by God to do God's work by possessing and raping the Earth to bring about the end times!
- HALlelujah or HAL (acronym for hallucination, anarchy, laughter)
Is actually an alien (one of the grey men often reported in abductions), who has been watching, monitoring and making subtle suggestions to Conald for a good while - he is able to hypnotize humans into seeing him as one of them. Hallelujah's mission is to take over the Earth, rid it of all its nature and human inhabitants so that his people can colinize it. Through his race's monitoring technology, when he discovers that one flight will have not only Conald on board, but also several other evil people as well, it became priority number one to bring it down and unite these dastardly passengers to form a team that will carry out Hal and his race's mission.
Hal has the power of invisibility so it was easy for him to board the plane unnoticed. When the time was right he summoned a lighting strike, helped in part with his race's ability to create weather. After the plane crashes in the swamp, inspired by Martin Sheen in “Apocalypse Now” (his favorite movie), he slowly rises from the burning liquid, his head on fire, but no body, only a skeleton head! He proclaims that he is HAL short for HALLELUJAH, a messenger angel sent by God, to help Cheeto and the other survivors there in their ‘righteous’ quest for power…he thinks he can have a lot of fun with these misfits. Reverend Dick and Phil O'Steen both exclaim "AMEN, our Lord has saved us!!" This gives Hal an idea: this new group of villains shall be now and forever more be known as "The A-MEN!". After they see who is still alive, how they’ve been changed and then gotten their wits about them, HAL posits that’s it’s miraculous that they’ve survived as a group, and are “blest by God” with their new powers, Hal suggests that they all unite and join forces to rule the planet!
Also on board is the undercover F.B.I. agent, who has been surveilling Trump because of his NYC mafia ties in the building trades. I’m not sure right now, how he should be changed/what powers…but he should be changed also and continue his undercover work.
- Cardinal Cardinal
Cardinal Wilson was a Bishop, cleric of the Catholic church, who fervently believed that it was man’s duty to maintain all of God’s creations to the best of one’s ability. To, if possible, leave the environment in better shape than he had found it. He was a believer in global warming, a fighter for human and animal rights and a staunch environmentalist. He even had a pet bird, a male cardinal that he had rescued from a cat’s attack and nursed back to health, that he’d named Francis. The bird was clever, did tricks, and actually responded to some of Cardinal Wilson’s commands.
The only thing it still did was to shit whenever and where ever it felt like it. But Cardinal Wilson loved
God, his creatures and Francis in particular. The bird would allow itself to be caged so Cardinal Wilson could take him along with him for company when he would travel on the church’s business. Thusly, the two Cardinals found themselves on a flight together on a trip to a Bishops’ conclave. Unfortunately they would never arrive there.
Caught in a fierce thunderstorm, the plane was struck by lightning and crashed into swamp that was far off their course. Cardinal Wilson was clutching the cage with Francis in it when they hit. But this was no ordinary swamp. This property was the property of Cheetoh, the unscrupulous, disgusting, real estate monster from NYC who had bought the property to build a golf course and to use the nearby swampland as a despository for the illegal dumping of toxic waste. So the few on board who survived the crash were subjected to an electrified and fiery bath in a lethal soup of irradiated heavy metals and toxins.
Cardinal Wilson and Francis were melded together in an unholy joining that left a man-sized bird with a human mind trapped inside it still wearing the Cardinal's hat. Cardinal Cardinal was pissed-off at God and man and the failure of both to save him from his horrendous circumstance. Sure, the new Cardinal Cardinal could fly, but everywhere he went, he left a trail of giant, toxic and radioactive bird droppings on humans, animals and the environment. And Cardinal Cardinal was just fine with that, because he didn’t believe in anything anymore.
- Reverend Dick Hardon is a small town Priest in North Dakota. He had, for a long while, enjoyed the protection and general ignorance of his religious flock towards his sexual ”proclivities". Even though he was admired and sought out for his “fire and brimstone” sermons, his counseling and fatherly advice by local townspeople (and his “engineering” of some miraculous cures of the blind and lame with the help of willing and/or paid accomplices), Rev. Dick started to feel that there was more money, power, adulation and sex awaiting him out there in the big scary, unknown world at large…mainly with new altar boys, but nubile choir girls (and even MILFs and FILFs with “offerings” to help make him richer promoting the Lord and himself ) will do in a pinch.
Reverend Hardon had enjoyed the recent influx of new followers and altar boys with the current Fracking craze in his state, but after all resources had been extracted and the land and town was left poor, decimated, with poisoned and flammable water and in absolute ruin, he made up his mind to leave for greener pastures. The only problem was that although it was completely accepted in his little North Dakota town, Reverend Hardon's ALMOST constant “six inch protrusion" underneath his priest costume could be a problem elsewhere. He’d temporarily solved the problem by carrying a cowboy hat or a donation box in front of himself, but he had to find new ways to hide his most powerful asset/weapon if he was to go elsewhere.
Reverend Hardon hopped on a flight in Bismarck, and luckily made it through security after tying down his erect member to his leg, which he can do for only short periods of time . After a quick connection in Cleveland (with a willing and rich dowager), he was off to a mega-church in Florida where he was hoping to make connections that would relocate him to a church that would be in a larger city filled with young boys and some girls, whose parents normally wouldn't willingly allow their children to spend time with a complete stranger, but as long as they had a priest collar on it was cool. The good Reverend got so excited thinking about these new “opportunities” during this flight that the bondage failed and his member torn through his pants, and just as the woman/person sitting next to him was about to scream
at what was exposed, the interior plane lights flashed and went out as the plane started a instantaneous deep descent towards a glowing swamp below.
Emerging from the sludge, Reverend Hardon was still human-looking, with his member now an even bigger, more-erect “Hog-leg” measuring a foot-and-a-half long by 4 inches in diameter! This weapon was now an incredibly lethal and effective instrument that he could use to destroy anyone and anything that stands in his way at getting what he wants.
- Phil O’Steen - from Joel Osteen, a televangelist the semi-legitimate money-maker for the group. His powers would be to control TV and all communication.
- Kernel Kalvin Korn (initials K.K.K.) - neo-Nazi and clan member (who’s actually an undercover agent of the F.B.I. working to bring them down), but who has to act like one of them.
The group somehow obtains a "fact-shield" which protects the group from obvious, proven facts like the age of the Earth, climate change, you are born gay, etc etc. The shield could be a combination of the American flag, confederate flag, and a crucifix. Maybe in some battle Hal's alien race can summon it down to them. This alien race also has a Fox shaped devise that they talk into, which transforms their crazy words and ideas into the English language at such high, abnormal frequencies that those that hear it instantly believe the words to be true.
coming soon from the mind of Gary Dumm and Scott Kraynak and others..